(set: $stim to 0) You are an autistic college student waking up in the morning. You shut off your alarm (whose label is an inside joke pertaining to one of your special interests) and get out of bed, proceeding wih your morning routine. [Shower.]<c| (click: ?c)[(replace: ?c)[You quietly grab your towel and leave your room, careful not to wake your roommate. You toe-walk down the hallway, brush your teeth, wash your hair and body, and try to minimize the time you spend on skin-picking in the bathroom mirror. //Feel without picking,// you tell yourself as you stare at the imperfections on your face. Someday you will touch without feeling, and then look without touching, and your skin will be much less irritated then. But today is not that day. Time for breakfast. [[Stim.->Stim at breakfast]] [[Don't stim.->Don't stim at breakfast.]] ] ](set: $stim += 1) You get dressed and, while you're tucking your ID into your pocket, tuck your plastic tangle toy in there too. You're wearing the shirt with the yellow plaid, which matches some of the stripes on your tangle. It's very exciting. You head out to the school cafeteria and collect food and hot tea. You hold the mug in your right hand while you stim with your left and look out the window at the sunrise. The movement of the stimming paradoxically calms you on the inside, and your thoughts flow smoothly like a quick cold stream. It is a sublime moment. Your solitude is interrupted by two of your friends. [You feel ambivalent about this...]<ambivalent| (click: ?ambivalent)[(replace: ?ambivalent)[You feel ambivalent about this and move your stimming hand under the table, and eventually deposit the tangle on the tabletop as you eat. One of your friends takes the toy and plays with it for a few minutes without asking. You watch him like a hawk the whole time. You are dismayed when he gives it back because now you feel irrationally like it is contaminated. You wipe it off on your shirt. Then, for good measure, you wash it in the bathroom on your way back to your dorm. You feel ready to face the day. Time for class. [[Stim.->Stim in class]] [[Don't stim.->Don't stim in class]] ] ](set: $stim -= 1) You decide to leave your tangle toy at home, because it looks awkward wedged into your pocket next to your ID card. You finish getting dressed and go to breakfast without it. You watch the sunrise with a cup of tea, absentmindedly hitting your foot against your chair. When your friends join you one of them asks you if you're nervous, on account of the foot percussion. [Tell them you're not nervous.]<click1| (click: ?click1)[(replace: ?click1)[You tell them you are not and take a long drink of the bitter tea, stilling your foot with some effort. You are distracted while talking to them, and respond mostly in hums and nods. You wish you could have had some more time alone. Time for class. [[Stim.->Stim in class]] [[Don't stim.->Don't stim in class]] ] ](set: $stim += 1) Your first class of the day is a mathematics laboratory, in which you must program certain equations in a graphing utility on your laptop. Your teacher is a meek man with gray hair and a pleasant, helpful demeanor. He encourages students to partner up but allows them to work on their own if they wish. You decide to work alone and boot up your laptop. You love calculus and the time passes quickly at first, but soon you become hung up on a particular problem - the spiderweb of lines simply won't line up coherently. [You can't tell why!]<stimfuriously| (click: ?stimfuriously)[(replace: ?stimfuriously)[You bounce in your seat, flap your hands, and kick the leg of your chair as you think. You even hum a persistent note to yourself to dissipate your anxiety and speed cognition. You examine the interface to see what your problem is. Ah - the coefficient for the angle is way wrong! You fix it and flap happily to express your pride in yourself, ignoring the kid to your left who glances over at your enthusiastic progress. The rest of the day passes easily. By your last class, you're a little tired and begin to have sensory problems, so you focus on stimming with the tangle you brought along in your backpack. You manage to make it through class somewhat exhausted but otherwise none the worse for wear. (if: $stim is 0)[You wish you could have had a little more time alone today, but at least class went well.](if: $stim is 2)[You've had a good day so far, and you're happy you've made it through your classes without any sort of sensory meltdown.] Now you have plans to go on a walk with a few friends. [[Stim.->Stim on walk]] [[Don't stim.->Don't stim on walk]] ] ](set: $stim -= 1) Your first class of the day is a mathematics laboratory. You like and respect the professor of this class. Unfortunately, as soon as you enter the classroom a wide variety of unpleasant sounds hits you, and you quickly become aggravated by your misophonia. You try your best to take your mind off of it and also stay still enough that you can pass for neurotypical. The sounds grow worse and worse and you're not sure how much more you can take, even though the material of the class is interesting. You glance up at the clock... Only 10 minutes have gone by? That can't possibly be right... [Find a distraction!]<distract| (click: ?distract)[(replace: ?distract)[You try to distract yourself by finding the prime factors of some of the numbers in the equations you're working on. `215 = 5 * 43 ... 78 = 2 * 3 * 13 ... ` [It's not helping.]<pain| (click: ?pain)[(replace: ?pain)[When that doesn't work you dig your nails into the inside of your arm until it begins to hurt. This relieves some of the unbearable pressure. Before the end of class you get up and go to the bathroom and hyperventilate and bang your hands on your hips trying to get yourself together enough to go back to class, which you eventually do. The rest of the day is a total nightmare. You walk back to your dorm, feeling defeated because you were unable to cope, and to shake off the melancholy play an hour straight of your favorite roguelike video game. (if: $stim is -2)[You feel like crap, but, unfortunately, you can't call it a day just yet. You try to take some deep breaths and prepare yourself for the afternoon.](if: $stim is 0)[You had a good morning, but now you only feel mediocre. You run your hands over the day and make yourself a quick cup of tea to try to feel a little more human before you have to see people.] You promised your friends you would go on a walk with them. [[Stim.->Stim on walk]] [[Don't stim.->Don't stim on walk]] ] ] ] ](set: $stim += 1) The walk is with your two favoritest friends. You are extraordinarily happy (if: $stim < 1)[and relieved] as soon as you leave your dorm after meeting up with them, because a strong warm wind is blowing. It makes you feel like you're swimming, and swimming makes you feel like you're flying. You flap your arms like a bird, amplifying the sensation until you feel cradled by the air itself, bathed in ecstasy. [Your friends smile at you and you give them jazz hands in your excitement, showing them with your body how much you love them.]<jazzhands| (click: ?jazzhands)[(replace: ?jazzhands)[You skip and whirl all over the path as you walk, and your speech becomes sparing and clipped as it does when you're overwhelmed with happiness. At the top of the hill you hike, the three of you lie back and watch the clouds, holding hands. You fish your chewy pendant out of your shirt and put it in your mouth to gnaw on, as a way to vent some of your happiness so that it doesn't become overwhelming. It's an idyllic day. (if: $stim is 3)[You peck one of your friends on the cheek on the walk back down and they laugh. Your heart feels light, like it's brimming with clean, sparkling water. You can't stop smiling as you watch the sun kiss the horizon behind the academic buildings.](if: $stim is 1)[You give one of your friends' hands a squeeze and headbutt them gently to show affection, and they smile at you. Moments like these make life worth it, even if it's often difficult.](if: $stim is -1)[You feel tired on the way back down, ready to go to sleep. Although the start of your day wasn't perfect, and you wish you had found a way to avoid some of the upset you've experienced, you feel moderately fulfilled. At least you'll sleep peacefully tonight, with a little luck.] [[End of the day]]. ] ](set: $stim -= 1) You try to tune into your friends' conversation on the walk, ignoring the wind and sun that call to you. You're not sure they would understand if you were to get completely dancey around them, and you're not ready to show them that side of you yet. The dry earth is unforgiving as you walk, and you quickly find yourself losing patience with their mundane conversation and retreating inside yourself, into fantasies where you are the Quing of the Crows. Your focus flits back and forth to different things, stopping to rest on keeping your face neutral and hands still between visiting the semipleasant ache of your feet and the inventory of the schoolwork you still have to do. [You drift.]<drift| (click: ?drift)[(replace: ?drift)[At the top of the hill you wander away to watch the clouds. When you wander back to your friends, they ask you what you were thinking of. You shrug and tell them nothing in particular. (if: $stim is -1)[You haven't had the best day ever, but it hasn't been terrible. You sigh to yourself as you and your friends walk home, but tell them you're alright when they ask - just feeling a little ennui.](if: $stim is -3)[You completely shut down on the walk back, half-listening to your friends' conversation but not speaking. You return to your dorm alone and throw yourself face-down onto the covers. You want to get up but can't find it in you until a long time has passed. Your body feels as heavy and sticky as clay.](if: $stim is 1)[You smile to yourself on the way back to the college. Although it's hard for you to relate to people, you can at least take solace in your ability to find happiness within yourself - even if it's kind of alienating to feel unable to share it with others.] [[End of the day]]. ] ]The sun sets; darkness washes over the campus. [How do you feel?]<c| (click: ?c)[(replace: ?c)[(if: $stim is 3)[You spend some time before bed reading poetry out of an old textbook you "borrowed" from your grandparents and writing poetry of your own about your day. You congratulate yourself for refusing to compromise on your identity, for being who you are without shame or mitigation. For you, this is the best way to live life. You tuck yourself into bed and fall asleep easily.](if: $stim is 1)[You crawl into bed and unwind by reading a chapter of a novel, then playing a word game on your phone. You've made a lot of difficult choices today. Before long, you find yourself drifting off. You have a wonderful dream.](if: $stim is -1)[You make yourself a cup of tea before bed and turn to a video game to try and de-stress. You can feel your whole body buzzing unpleasantly with sensory hypersensitivity and the built-up strain of a full day of school. It takes some time before you feel calm enough to do your homework and go to sleep. You hope tomorrow will be a better day.](if: $stim is -3)[You go home and immediately try to do your Calculus homework so that you can go to sleep as quickly as possible. Just as immediately, you become frustrated with it, huffing and pulling at your hair. Before you know it you're in tears. You berate your image in the mirror for being such a pansy and grind through the rest of the work, crying the whole time. Finally you crawl into bed, feeling pathetic and defeated, and make a mental note to keep your stim toys with you tomorrow.] //The end.// ] ]